humabol sa valentine's

before going to the walang hanggan thanksgiving party earlier, three people commented i look good tonight. one of them was a cutie director who said "wow" when he saw me, and the others were production people who asked "bakit blooming ka?" and "bakit ang ganda mo ngayon?"

it must be the red lipstick or the three-inch-stilettos or the new girlie red blouse i was wearing or maybe it was my bagong-plantsa hair. whatever it was, i must be exuding something unusual because the boss' secretary told me, "teh, nararamdaman ko, magkaka-boyfriend ka ngayong gabi!" to which i replied, "anu teh, waiter?"

i knew it was going to be an intimate party for the cast, staff and crew, where most men were either gay or taken. there's no chance of me having an actor as a boyfriend so that leaves me with the restaurant's waiters.

she said, "manager naman teh, o kaya may-ari ng restaurant."

a few minutes after, i went to a friend's workstation and she asked me, "gusto mo ba ng ka-date? may ire-reto ako." she wanted to give me a phone number written in a post-it. "magsimula lang kayo na textmates, tapos mag-date kayo" and i just laughed at her and said, "hindi ako nagte-textmate eh. saka hindi ako naniniwala sa reto."

my friend was so insistent that even when we were already at the party, she was prodding me. "sige na, textmates lang. guwapo ito, na-screen ko na. mabait, etc, etc." so i finally gave in and said, "sige na nga. akina ang number. ilang taon na ba iyan?"

she answered, "25." and i said, "ay, ibigay mo na lang sa iba."

hindi na ako mahilig sa bata. last na iyong kay B, who was eight years younger. kung papatol man ako sa bata, hanggang 6 years na lang ang limit ko, kaya hindi na aabot ang 25.

a few weeks ago, i remember talking to someone who said at this age, hindi na ako dapat maging choosy. kahit sino na lang, go na. and i said, "umabot ako sa ganitong edad na single, ngayon pa ba ako magse-settle sa kahit sino na lang?"

today is the last day of february. hindi ako nag-rant tungkol sa valentine's, wala akong entry ng kasentihan buong pebrero, except for this... humabol pa! buti na lang, marso na bukas.

i would have wanted to write something about unofficially yours. pero huwag na lang... kung anu iyong mga sinabi ni jessica zafra about the movie, i share the same sentiments. i didn't like the movie... for me, it was overrated... napaka unrealistic.

or maybe i'm just jaded? gash.

purpose

"Everything has a purpose, even machines. Clocks tell the time, trains take you places. They do what they’re meant to do. Maybe that’s why broken machines make me so sad. They can’t do what they’re meant to do. Maybe it’s the same with people. If you lose your purpose, it’s like you’re broken.”

heard that quote from the movie Hugo. and that got me thinking. what's my purpose? to tell stories. to make people cry, smile, laugh... to entertain, to inspire, to teach...

pero iyun lang ba? hanggang doon lang ba ang purpose ko? taga-sulat. taga-entertain. binabayaran para magkuwento... may iba pa ba akong purpose?

"I'd imagine the whole world was one big machine. Machines never come with any extra parts, you know. They always come with the exact amount they need. So I figured, if the entire world was one big machine, I couldn't be an extra part. I had to be here for some reason. And that means you have to be here for some reason too."

ikaw, have you ever asked yourself what's your purpose in this world?

sa takdang panahon...

sabi ko sa fb status ko early this year, when my dream to write for tv came true, may dalawa akong bagong dreams -- ang magsulat ng libro, at ang magsulat ng pelikula. sabi ko rin sa status ko, one of these two will hopefully come true this year.

sobrang sure kasi ako na magkakaroon ako ng movie this year dahil pinagsulat ako ng isang independent producer. kaya lang, parang hindi na siguradong maipapalabas pa iyun...

i didn't lose hope. sabi ko, kakasimula pa lang naman ng taon...

and this morning, i got an offer to write a movie for one of the biggest production outfits in the country. hindi indie. mainstream. at malaking production company.

i got excited. ito na iyun... i was a step closer to realizing my dream...

kaso, hindi ko puwedeng tanggapin ang offer. hindi muna. hindi pa ngayon.

sayang. the director told me perfect daw sa akin ang material. it's a huge project. nakakapanghinayang. pero sabi ko sa twitter ko, i am a firm believer of the saying "if it's meant to be, it will be yours."

kung fate ko makapagsulat ng movie, mangyayari iyun, in God's perfect time...

kanina, while having dinner with claring, sabi ko, naiiyak na ako. pero ngayon, i feel better. disappointed pa rin pero i will be okay.... dahil isa pang philosophy in life that i live by, "kapag may nawala, may kapalit itong mas maganda..."

epiphany

over the weeks, i have been thinking if i should delete this blog and/or stop blogging. every day, i'd ask myself what i should do... and just last week, i had an epiphany...

i learned that as a storyteller, we should give our audience a satisfactory ending. it doesn't have to be a happy ending... just fulfilling. iyong kapag umabot na sa tinakda mo na katapusan, sasabihin ng audience na "tama lang na natapos na..." or "oo, hanggang doon na lang talaga."

at iyun ang narealize ko... if i stop blogging now, hindi pa iyun ang satisfactory ending para sa akin, o para sa mga taong hindi ko kilala pero sumubaybay sa blog ko.

somebody left a comment in my blog. she said she first read my blog when she was 14, sa opendiary.com pa iyun at talagang anonymous ako noon -- walang nakakakilala. she's 26 now. twelve years na!

anu na nangyari sa buhay ko the last 12 years... madami. at sa ilang years na iyun, marami nag-comment, nagtweet, at nagsabing natulungan ko sila, in one way or another...

yes, i write in my blog for myself. naglalabas ng angsts. nagkukuwento ng buhay. nag-a-unload ng nararamdaman. but somehow, may napupulot sila sa akin, may nakukuhang tip kung ano ang dapat at hindi dapat gawin. may nabubuhayan ng loob lalo na kapag binalikan iyung mga entries ko na wala pa ako sa abs at nangangarap lang ako maging writer, nakakahugot ng lakas at inspirasyon kapag brokenhearted at binasa lahat ng kasentihan ko in the past.

at alam ko, hindi ako binigyan ni Lord ng second chance mabuhay ng ganoon-ganoon lang. marami pang mangyayari sa buhay ko, marami pa akong puwedeng ikuwento at isulat...

ilang taon ring nabulatlat ang buhay ko sa mga tao. alam nila lahat ng mga desisyon ko. witness sila sa mga pagsesenti ko, sa mga kabaliwan ko, sa mga pagkakamali ko... and i owe it to them, and most of all, to myself, na magkaroon ng satisfactory ending ang pagba-blog ko...

hindi pa dito nagtatapos ang pagkukuwento ng buhay ni noringai :)

pointless...

after ten years of blogging, i am considering doing something i never thought i'd be doing -- stop blogging. parang pointless na. kasi kahit ako, nagsasawa na. iyun at iyun ang isyu ko. iyun at iyun ang sinusulat ko.

i have been blogging for ten years. parang wala na akong bagong maisusulat. wala na akong mai-se-share at maikukuwento. parang wala na kuwenta mga nangyayari sa buhay ko...

am thinking of turning this blog as private din kasi my nieces are all grown up. they have access to internet. they know my blog. one of them read all my entries for three days. i told them to stop reading my blog... they listened but... for how long? and how will i know na sinusunod nila talaga ako?

hanggang ngayon, i'd hear them talking about the blog entry i wrote five years ago. it happened five years ago but they only read it recently, kaya fresh pa sa isip nila. kaya minsan, they asked me about it and i was caught off-guard.

ayokong malaman nila kung gaano ako ka-pathetic noong in love ako. ayokong malaman nila kung ano nangyari sa buhay ko when i was their age. fourteen na ang isa sa kanila, edad ko when i first fell in love. ayokong mabasa nila ang lahat ng angsts at kasentihan ko for the last ten years.

oo, iniisip ko to stop blogging. at gawing private ang blog na ito... pero, handa na ba ako? hirap ako maglet go. alam iyan ng mga friends ko. kakayanin ko bang hindi mag blog? kakayanin ko bang itigil ang isang bagay na ilang taon ko na ginagawa?

chinese new year ngayon. new beginning. clean slate. fresh start...

kaya ko ba?

gash....

rebirth

ever since i started blogging ten years ago, i would always have a year-end blog entry. a monthly detailed account of what transpired the year prior. but i failed to make one for 2010 because i got busy, was hospitalized for three weeks, and found it futile to write a year-end entry in march.

it's the first day of 2012. and since i wanted to be active in blogging again, i am posting my year-end entry...

if i have to sum up my 2011 in one word, it would be rebirth....

january - almost

i used to think that almost is the saddest word in the dictionary. i almost won. we were almost there. they almost got married.

and then last january, i almost died.

february - break

dahil sa aneurysm, i took a break from writing. bakasyon sa davao for almost one month. spent time with family and friends. and sa one month na hindi ako nagsusulat, that was when i realized that writing is not only my passion. it's my life. i couldn't live without it...

march - second chance

when i returned to manila and went back to writing, i was assigned to be part of mutya. hindi naman ako binigla. unti-unti lang. pero kahit ilang weeks lang ako nag-mutya, enjoy ako isulat ang show na ito. light lang sya. my first time to write a fantaserye na natuloy.

april - extreme

this month, extreme emotions ang naramdaman ng mga kapamilya. may napakalaking bonus na binigay ang abs-cbn. sobrang laki! a whopping six digit bonus for me na katumbas ng two years salary ko noong senior writer ako sa isang magazine. parang pasko sa abril! pero the next day, gumimbal sa amin ang news about aj perez's death.

may - babang-luksa

first death anniversary ng tatay ko. pero i know, siya ang naging guardian angel ko. kasi when green rose ended this month, i was tapped to do two shows -- isang afternoon drama soap (although hindi natuloy), at isang primetime soap based on the book wuthering heights. the wuthering heights show was given the title, "walang hanggan." ang directive lang sa akin, it stars coco martin. bahala na ako mag-develop ng kuwento na puwedeng tumakbong soap ng ilang linggo.

june - firsts

this month, i was interviewed in an fm station. sabi ko nga sa fb status ko, "i dreamed of being interviewed on air one day but i never thought it would be about aneurysm. according to the doctor, only 23% of people who had ruptured aneurysm survive, and less than half go back to their normal lives."

ito rin iyong time na inimbitahan ako ni alessandra sa bahay nila. i had dinner at their house and met her mother. dito ko na-realize na iyong friendship namin ni alex, hindi lang pang-showbiz. ito ang simula ng pagiging close friends namin.

july - new goal

as i watched cinemalaya with my colleagues, muling na-ignite ang dream ko to write an indie film. a couple of years ago, i joined cinemalaya with my director friend mark. we wanted to make a movie about this modern set up called friends with benefits. we didn't make it. sayang. kung napili sana kami noong 2009, naunahan sana namin ang ligo na u, lapit na me. a movie which i truly enjoyed watching. parang septic tank na three times ko pa pinanood!

august - renaissance

went to davao city for kadayawan festival with claring and rose. for the first time, nag pearl farm! ang saya ng bakasyon! two days before my birthday, pinalabas ang my binondo girl. sabi ko suwerte ang mga pinapalabas sa birthday ko. katorse. saka my binondo girl.

sabi ko, first birthday ko ito, kaya bilang pasasalamat, i spent the night with my close friends and colleagues, who prayed for me, and helped me when i was hospitalized. bonggang birthday ever.

september - liberation

this month, i was finally liberated from my salary loan in abs-cbn. iyong isang milyong utang ko ng march, kalahati na lang ngayon. salamat sa mga projects na binigay ng abs sa akin. malaking tulong ang TF na nakukuha ko pambayad sa mga utang.

october - fruitful

nagkasakit ang headwriter namin sa my binondo girl at ako ang pinasalo sa scripting. haven't written scripts na ganito kabilis at kadami since sabel days kaya kailangan maging creative ulit. and this month, an indie film producer approached me and asked me to write a screenplay.

november - recognition

kapamilya service awardee ako. five years na ako sa abs. awaaaaaard!

this month, napatunayan ko talaga na when you lose something, you gain something else. when something ends, something better begins. nag resign ako sa my binondo girl. and then a few days after, sinimulan na ang walang hanggan.

natapos ko rin sa month na ito ang screenplay ng indie film. iba pala ang feeling kapag nakatapos ka ng script ng movie, hindi dahil sa assignment sa school or requirement sa workshop kundi dahil sa binabayaran ka ng producer...

december - changes

sa showbiz, walang kasiguraduhan ang lahat. hindi mo alam, yung meron ka ngayon, mawawala sa iyo bukas. pero sa ilang taon ko sa showbiz, nalaman ko rin na kung para sa iyo talaga ang isang bagay, mawala man ito sa iyo, babalik din ito. hindi ko alam kung anong mangyayari. before the year ended, i was told na may changes na mangyayari sa akin in terms of career. isa lang ang alam ko, mas alam ni Lord kung ano nakakabuti para sa akin...

to summarize, here are the eleven highlights of my 2011

11. walang hanggan

10. my binondo girl.

9. babang-luksa.

8. bonus.

7. green rose and geena rallos.

6. kadayawan and pearl farm.

5. radio interview

4. screenplay

3. birthday party

2. kapamilya service award

1. ruptured aneurysm.

new year na naman. a time of changes. a time of renewed hope and enthusiasm. another chance to make things right. another chance to reach for the dreams we didn't get in the past...

gaya nga ng sabi ko sa fb status ko, 2011 was the year of ruptured aneurysm and near-death experience. wag na sana maulit. ayaw. here's to good health and longer life... sana masayang career at lovelife. at sana bongga ang 2012 para sa ating lahat!

happy new year, everyone! :)

delayed

the last time my flight got delayed in the airport, something life-defining happened. it was also a friday. same airline, same date, and almost the same time. except that i don't have my "when God writes your love story" book with me... in fact, i didn't bring any book. im just playing angry birds on my itouch before deciding to make a blog entry in my bb.

life-defining. my life was never the same after that chance meeting in the airport while i was waiting for the delayed airplane. it didn't have a happy ending like what i imagined it would have but that experience and what happened in the next two years after that were the reasons why i have become the kind of writer that i am right now -- emotional, senti, may pinaghuhugutang nakaraan.

everything happens for a reason.

and the delayed flight that time was instrumental in molding me not only into a better writer but also a better and stronger person.

and as i wait here in the pre-boarding lounge of cebupacific, i couldn't help thinking what might happen to me in the next few minutes, sino kaya makikita ko, sino kaya makakausap ko. ano kayang kuwento ng buhay ko ang magsisimula.

it has been six years since i last booked a cebupac flight in december. kasi laging pal na ako ngayon. but this year, napilitan akong mag cebupac. i usually take the madaling araw flights to davao at di ko alam bakit nag-decide akong mag friday 5pm na flight.

may dahilan ang lahat ng bagay... in the next few minutes malalaman ko kung kasama ito sa mga bagay na may katuturan sa buhay ko o isang pang-inis lang sakin dahil nagpa-aalala ng isang karanasanan na matagal ko na kinalimutan...

five

last week, i was one of the kapamilya service awardees... five years, baby! and during the awarding ceremony, i couldn't help but reminisce... i never thought i'd still be here after five years. pero, siguro, ito talaga ang plano ng Diyos para sa akin... at isang bagay na natutunan ko sa five years na iyun -- if something is meant to be yours, it will be yours. may mga bagay na nangyayari para maantala o para mabago ang takbo ng buhay mo pero in the end, sayo pa rin ito...

when we finished the abs-cbn comedy writing workshop in january of that year, i was handpicked to be in the supposed sitcom of the megastar. but she backed out and opted for a talk show.

i remember being disappointed with the news. i wanted to be part of a sitcom, not a talk show. but then, sino ba ako para mamili? i remember composing a text message to direk joey to ask him to include me in the sitcom bora. gusto ko talaga ng sitcom. pero on the last minute, i deleted the message before i could send it. nagdasal na lang ako.

it took us one year to plan for sharon's talk show. and during the planning stage, nagkaroon ng isa pang sitcom si direk joey, madalian. at sinama niya ako doon. sobrang saya ko. sitcom din pala ang magiging first show ko -- my juan and only. and it was aired in may 2005.

eight months lang ang tinagal ng sitcom. when it ended in january 2006, i got a call from my executive producer after one week. isasama daw ako sa your song. ginagawa ko ang your song habang may trabaho ako sa ayala. at habang binubuo pa rin namin ang sharon.

that year, pinalabas na rin finally ang sharon. pero after a couple of months, i left the show. hindi keri kung may day job ako tapos nagsha-sharon pa ako.

i learned from my Prog Manager that i was supposed to be part of the show let's go. pero siguro hindi meant sa akin ang show na iyun. kinuha na lang ako ng PM ko para sa star magic presents. pero never ako nabigyan ng assignment ng headwriter ng smp kaya wala ring nangyari.

one year na ako nagyo-your song at nabibigyan na ako ng assignment sa love spell when i finally resigned from my day job at nag-full time ako sa abs. one week after i tendered my resignation letter, i got a text from an unknown number, kasama daw ako sa bagong soap ni claudine. as in naiyak ako sa tuwa noong nakuha ko iyong text na iyun. napa-thank you lord ako.

habang ginagawa namin ang claudine soap. i got a text from another unknown number -- pinapa-attend ako ng meeting ng ginagawang soap ni kristine hermosa. hindi ako nakapunta. at hindi na ako tinext ulit.

a few months after, pinalabas na ang prinsesa ng banyera, my could-have-been first soap.

isa pang natutunan ko sa showbiz, walang kasiguraduhan ang mga bagay... lahat puwedeng magbago sa isang iglap. nagkaroon ng changes sa claudine soap. at hindi na ako kasama sa creative team.

kasabay ng pagkawala ng claudine soap sa akin, may dumating na bago -- tatlo. sequel ng super inggo, utoy, saka isa pang drama soap. pero hindi rin natuloy ang tatlong soaps na ito.

2008 nang umere ang unang soap ko -- ang dyosa. pero parang hindi counted dahil hindi naman ako nakapagsulat doon.

kaya pala hindi ako nakasama sa banyera at sa claudine soap, kaya pala hindi natuloy iyong tatlong soaps ko dapat, kaya pala hindi ako nakapagsulat sa dyosa -- kasi ang magiging unang soap ko pala sa abs-cbn ay katorse.

at ang katorse ang isa sa pinaka-favorite shows ko na nagawa.

after katorse, dumating si rubi. ang idol. si sabel. ang green rose. may george n cecil saka wansapanataym on the side. naka dalawang precious hearts romance din ako. at siyempre, ang your song na pinakamatagal kong show.

after kong mag-leave ng ilang buwan at bumalik ako noong april, sinama ako sa mutya. nang matapos ang mutya, pina-buo sa akin ang isang afternoon soap (na hindi natuloy), at ang walang hanggan (na ipapalabas na next year). tapos, sinama din ako sa my binondo girl.

looking back, i realized eleven ang could-have been shows ko. pero okay lang. dahil sa 11 na nawala, heto naman ang kapalit: katorse, rubi, idol, sabel, green rose, mutya, my binondo girl, phr presents you're mine only mine, love me again, your song presents muntik na kitang minahal, kapag ako ay nagmahal, sayang na sayang, i'll take care of you, million miles away, someone like you, my only hope, underage, boystown, isla, maling akala, beautiful girl.

im on my 6th year... sabi nila, kapag gusto mo ang ginagawa mo, hindi mo napapansin ang oras. and indeed, five years went by swiftly, dahil this has been my dream... this is my passion. this is my life...

big C sucks

a colleague succumbed to breast cancer yesterday. even though we weren't close, i am greatly affected with the news.

i met kune in 2008. we were together in the fantaserye soap, my first soap in primetime. her smiles and laughter were infectious. she was very warm and friendly, and amusing. although we didn't stay long in the soap, and we never had the chance to work together after that, bumping into her at the network had always been fun.

last year, nagulat ako when i saw her kasi she lost a lot of weight. i asked her how she did that and she said "no meat. puro fruits and vegetables lang na organic." clueless ako. akala ko nagda-diet lang siya. claring told me she had a lump in her breast kaya she was eating organic food na lang and losing weight. pero sabi naman, gumagaling na siya. so hindi na kami nag-worry about her.

a few months ago, she posted pictures on her fb -- pictures of her travel in paris, rome, and other european cities. maybe she knew her time was running out so she lived her life to the fullest.

earlier this week, i asked another colleague kung kumusta na si kune. i learned kune was on a leave because her condition worsened. ang sabi, ayaw daw ni kune na magpabisita... at kahapon nga, nagising ako sa mga text messages about her death.

two to three years ago, i have been hearing about a friend or a colleague's parent's battle with cancer. my tatay had cancer. my friend danica's father died of cancer. a co-writer's dad had lung cancer and another co-writer's mom has breast cancer. this year, we learned that two of my close friends' fathers have cancer.

umabot na kami sa edad na halos lahat ng kakilala at kaibigan ko, may kamag-anak na nagka-cancer.

i never expected na darating ang panahon na iyong mismong kakilala ko at kaibigan, iyong nakakasama ko sa trabaho, iyun ang magiging biktima ng cancer.

nakakatakot. nakaka-praning.

a few years ago, i bought a book on sale about breast cancer. hindi ko tinuloy ang pagbasa dahil naiyak na ako at natakot. pero iyun yata ang realidad eh -- ang cancer ngayon, parang lagnat na lang. kahit sino puwedeng tamaan. at kung may magulang ka na nagka-cancer na, mas dapat ka nang kabahan.

i was with claring and jan earlier, talking about cancer, and death and sickness. napag-usapan namin what happened to me nine to ten years ago -- a doctor found cysts in my ovaries. i almost had a major surgery. nagpa-second opinion ako. definitely may cysts but hindi naman kailangan ng surgery agad. buti nadala sa dasal at sa gamot.

that was eight years ago... nasa early 20s lang ako. am in my 30s now. before my aneurysm, i hadn't been living healthy. i hadn't been taking good care of my health. i only quit smoking when my father was diagnosed with lung cancer.

when you're in your 20s, you don't think about these things. pero when you grow older, when you see colleagues and friends die of cancer, that's the time na napapaisip ka about your own life.

nalulungkot ako for kune. i learned from another friend's blog na ayaw pa ni kune mamatay. marami pa siyang gustong gawin.

sino ba naman gustong mamatay? hindi ko maimagine kung ano pakiramdam na gusto mo pa makasama ang mga mahal mo sa buhay, pero hindi na kaya ng katawan mo...

pero siguro hanggang doon na lang si kune. kaya sinulit niya ang mga nalalabing oras niya... siguro, na-fulfill na niya lahat ng purpose niya sa mundong ito.

as for me, i was given a second chance to live... hindi ko sasayangin iyun... kaya i will be making an appointment with an ob gyne next week...

it's such a shame for us to part...

met up with a friend earlier. may pinagdadaanan kasi siya. lagi ko sinasabi, this friend is the younger, sexier and prettier version of me. at sa kinunwento niya kanina, natulala na lang ako. kasi how many years ago, ganoong-ganoon ang kuwento ng buhay ko...

so after niya magkuwento at mag-emote at maiyak, ako naman ang nagkuwento. last year lang kasi kami naging magkaibigan kaya hindi niya alam ung tungkol doon. antagal ko na kinalimutan ang chapter na yun ng buhay ko. pero dahil sa kuwentuhan namin, hindi ko sinasadyang maalala.

so heto ako ngayon, nagsusulat ng blog entry sa dilim, habang paulit-ulit na pinapakinggan ang the scientist ng cold play.

sya: hindi ko maintindihan bakit ko pinagdadaanan ito ngayon, bakit nangyayari sa akin to... ang sakit-sakit.
me: minsan, may mga kailangan lang talaga tayong pagdaanan. hindi natin alam kung bakit. pero in time, malalaman natin ang dahilan...

song of the moment: nobody said it was easy, it's such a shame for us to part. nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard. i'm going back to the start - the scientist, coldplay

quote for the day: "we gotta wait for the real thing, no matter how tough it gets," ted mosby, how i met your mother s7-11

what i learned recently: walang taong exempted sa heartbreak. lahat kailangan to pagdaanan...