last march 29, the day before i left for davao, and five months after i said goodbye to sb for the first time (kasi naman, ilang beses din ako nag-goodbye, bumalik at nag-goodbye uli), i asked him one question that i have been dreading to ask since the year started.
his answer was a mere "yup" but that three-letter word hurt me more than any other words could.
that three-letter word caused me tremendous pain, but it made things clearer. and made me realize na wala na talagang pag-asa, yun na un. the end. wala ng karugtong.
i wanted to hear it from him personally. so several minutes after i wrote my previous entry (kung san sinabi kong one month na), we met at the same starbucks where everything started. it was where everything ended, too.
i know, some of you are tired of reading the same story of saying goodbye to sb, only to find out eventually that we are still talking, still going out, and still seeing each other.
but this time, it's different. this time, parang pinamukha sa akin ng tadhana na wala na talaga. huwag na ako makulit. ano pa bang sakit ang kailangan ipadama sa akin para lang magtigil na ako?
"paano nangyari iyun?" i asked.
"hindi ko rin alam eh. basta it just happened..."
"masaya ka ba?"
"okay... as long as happy ka, okay na rin ako dun..."
before going to meet him sa starbucks, i vowed never to cry in front of him. pero hello? ako pa! eh iyakin kaya ako. naiyak din ako.
he repeatedly said, "sorry." pero ano nga ba naman ang magagawa ng sorry niya? the damage has been done. he made a decision. and sadly, his decision hurt not only me, but other people, too. pero, desisyon niya yun. sabi niya, masaya naman siya. kaya sige, masaya na rin ako para sa kanya...
a few weeks ago, he told me he was just fixing something in his life. and that soon, mag-uusap din kami at aayusin ang lahat. at yun na nga, fixing his life means hurting me din. at natapos na nga ang episode niya sa buhay ko.
we talked the day before i left for davao. nakatulong sa akin ang bakasyon. talking to my bestfriend ching about him and about what happened helped me cope with the pain.
i returned to manila last night, april 9, a year after sb and i heard mass where i prayed, "lord, sana siya na..." and before going to sleep, i deleted ALL of his text messages (isang buong folder din yun). i deleted ALL of our pictures in my cellphone, and ALL of his contact numbers... landline, number sa ofc, number ng tatlong sim niya, email address... everything.
ano pinagkaiba nitong pamamaalam na ito sa ibang pamamaalam na ginawa ko sa kanya noon? this time, it's for real... for good. at kasama na sa panalangin ko na "lord, sana makalimutan ko na siya..." this time, ito na ang huli...as in huling paalam ko kay sb.