Tuesday, May 8, 2007

is it over now?

kai am not a fan of nina pero lately, i find comfort in her songs. although i still haven't forgiven her for what she did to julia fordham's love moves in mysterious ways, someday became an all-time favorite. i don't wanna be your friend and i didn't mean to make you mine were personal favorites, too. at kahit na binaboy na naman niya ang i can't make you love me gusto ko naman iyong is it over now niya. kaya patas lang.


***

sent nina's songs to my friend B, who is currently nursing a broken heart.

last november, B broke up with K, her boyfriend of three years. after their break up, they were still going out and admitted to each other na mahal pa nila ang isa't isa. it was in january when B learned na K has a new girlfriend na pala. (if you've been following my other blog, siya iyong "di kita puwedeng papasukin, nasa loob ang girlfriend ko" na nakuwento ko dati.) less than two months since their break up, may kapalit na siya agad! heto matindi, in march, she learned na buntis na iyong bagong girl, at nagli-live in na sila ni K.

my friend B is really devastated right now. sabi ko nga, hindi ko kaya iyong pinagdadaanan niya ngayon. kung ako nga, hindi ko naging boyfriend si sb, at almost a year lang naman kami nagkasama, sobrang nahihirapan na ako mag-move on. paano pa kaya itong friend ko? pero still, dahil almost pareho kami ng pinagdadaanan, we are there for each other to ask for and offer support. minsan, sabay kaming umiiyak. madalas, siya muna, tapos, ako na. at dahil we are oceans apart, nagagastusan kami sa text at phone calls just to comfort each other.

when depression hits me, kapag nagse-self pity na naman ako at napapaisip why these things happened to me, kung bakit ko pinagdadaanan ang painful experience na ito, naiisip ko na lang na mas matindi ang pinagdadaanan ng kaibigan ko, at nakakaya niya, kahit mahirap. it's a painful and difficult process pero kaya ko rin ito.

oo mas matindi ang nangyayari kay B, pero, we understand each other's pain. sabi nga ni diane setterfield sa libro niya, "we all have our sorrows, and although the exact delineaments, weight and dimensions of grief are different for everyone, the color of grief is common to us all."

***

reports said that ruffa and yilmaz have separated. sabi ko kay B, "four years silang kasal. may dalawa pa silang anak. mas matindi ang pinagdadaanan ni ruffa ngayon kesa sa iyo."

B kidded, "mayaman naman siya, okay lang iyun..."

but we all know money can never numb you from the pain...

walang comparison ang pain. lahat ng nasaktan, iisa ang pinagdadaanan.... at the end of the day, we all ache. at kahit na ilang libong beses ka mang makinig sa someday ni nina, kahit ubusin mo man ang pera mo sa pag-sho-shopping, kahit na ilang chocolate cake o pizza o anumang comfort food ang lantakan mo, o lunurin mo man ang sarili mo sa alcohol o anti-depressants, it still hurts. kahit na kinukumbinsi mo ang sarili mo na okay ka na, even if you pretend to be happy when you're with your friends, kapag mag-isa ka na lang, doon mo mararamdaman ang unexplainable feeling inside of you -- heavy and empty at the same time. so you find other ways to cope with the pain, albeit temporarily...

"pain is there for a reason," sabi sa grey's anatomy episode na napanood ko last week. sabi nila, it makes us stronger. sana lang, dumating ang araw na this will soon be over. habang hindi pa dumarating iyung araw na iyon, while it still aches inside, find ways to deal with the pain.

as for me, this is how i deal with the pain... write about it. so while i still havent healed, let me wallow....

1 comment:

Angelo said...

at bakit naman buhay ng ibang tao ang itinatala mo sa iyong blog, aber?!

hehehe! just kidding.

thanks again for the treat.