Tuesday, June 12, 2007

beyond bitterness

so heto na ang third and final entry ko about the book, bittergirl: getting over getting dumped. at talagang sinadya ko na i-post ito today, june 12, kung saan something momentous happened a year ago. kahit na ayaw ko na isipin o alalahanin, forever ko na maaalala iyong event na iyun.

sa ngayon, i would like to believe na i am in a recovery period na with sb. and someday, magigising na lang to realize na shet, okay na uli ako... im back to normal. :)

Recovery Period
You’re probably saying, “I think I’ve got it under control. I know I feel worse when I talk to him and so I just shouldn’t.” But seriously… you can never anticipate when hormones, alcohol, chocolate, memories, loneliness or bloodlust will take over and you’ll find yourself hurtling toward near disaster.

The reality is that in the immediate aftermath of the break up you will miss him. You will be reminded of him every day by even the most ridiculous morsels of life that had absolutely nothing to do with him.

What to do:
Delete his number in your phone. “If you don’t talk to him, you’ll get over him faster.”

that's what i did. i deleted all of his contact numbers in my cell phone -- pati number ng bahay, ng opisina niya. pati nga number ng kapatid niya at ng officemate niya na ginagamit niya pan-text sa akin kapag nauubusan siya ng load. that way, di ako mate-tempt na mag-drunk dial sa kanya.

Drown yourself in movies, music, books and magazines.

Be with your friends.

Stop reliving memories with him. He may not be by your side anymore, but you haven’t really let him leave. Make a list of all the things you miss doing together. Who’s to say you can’t do them on your own? This may sting but ask yourself: Do you miss him or do you miss being part of a couple?

sabi ko nun sa sarili ko, parang di ko kaya bumalik sa mall of asia, or pumunta sa esquinita, gateway, metrowalk, at sa kung saan-saan pang mga places na may mga eventful na nangyari sa amin. pero nakabalik ako... unti-unti, and im starting to make new memories in those places with other people, para di na lang siya ang naiisip ko.

Stop thinking that he’s perfect, and that you will never find someone like him. Or that you were so happy with him and no one can give you that happiness again. Despite what you are feeling right now, he wasn’t purely responsible for your past happiness. You had a whole lot to do with it.

Or he did lots of things for you and you feel wala ng gagawa nun para sa iyo. He did them because, chances are, you deserved them. Relationships thrive on give-and-take and you did your share of the giving.

sabi ko sa mga friends, he was so kind kasi he was always there kapag nagpapahatid or nagpapasundo ako, or kapag nagpapasama ako sa kung saan. pero looking back, kapag naiisip ko iyong times na naghintay siya ng ilang oras sa abs-cbn while i was on a meeting at 11 evening, or iyong nasa starbucks siya habang hinihintay ako matapos sa inuman with my friends, parang i deserved to be treated that way din naman, after what i had given to him, after all the things that i did for him. tama lang naman sa suklian din niya iyon ng kabutihan.

Don’t be friends with him. You decide that cultivating a lasting friendship with him is way more important than dwelling on the hurt and pain he’s caused you. Who cares if he lied to you? Who cares if he’s a complete asshole? Who cares if he made you feel so low and worthless that you didn’t know who you were anymore? … friendship with him isn’t possible until you’re completely over him.

sure, umabot kami sa point na we agreed to remain friends and forget about the things that happened to us. pero who was i kidding? ang hirap pala maging friends with someone who caused you pain. sabi nga ni nina sa kanta niya, im not over you yet, and i dont wanna be your friend...

Don’t try to win him back. Plotting to get him back can be fun, it can help while away the hours, it can afford you daydreams of happiness and a potential future. But ask yourself this: Do you really want to plot to get someone back? Plus, if he did come back as a result of your trickery, do you think you’d be able to relax right back into a loving and happy relationship? How would you feel knowing he was with you for the wrong reasons? And would you have to keep on plotting to keep him there?

The book also mentioned thinking of different kinds of revenge is normal but they should only remain as fantasies…because the sweetest revenge is to live a good life after he dumped you. And letting him know that you’re actually better without him.

So now he sees you on the street as you run for that cab in your fabulous new shows after our evening yoga class to dart off to a get-together with your friends… You get to be truly polite and disinterested because you’re moving on with your life. You’ve cultivated more self-respect than to go running back to someone who’s already rejected you. Because you’re worth than that – you’re special. You are unique. And you should be with someone who wants you as much as you want him. It’s a partnership and he bailed. So ultimately He did you a favour because you deserve better.

Beyond Bitter
Every breakup has a shelf life. Eventually the story grows tired and old. Friends will run out of patience…If you can bring yourself to visualize the most fabulous life imaginable for yourself, eventually you’ll find a way to live your life. Getting back out there doesn’t mean diving into the dating pool. It doesn’t require a man. In fact, it doesn’t require anything – it just means living a life.

The book said there would be moments of weaknesses and breakdowns. Iyong akala mo okay ka na, you’ve managed to snap out of the depression and that you are living a life without thinking of him, and then it happens – moments of breakdowns.

Bittergirl breakdowns sneak up on you, catch you unaware, utterly blindside you, then leave you reeling the next day wondering how you got there. A Bittergirl breakdown is really a big, stupid moment of weakness. The key word to focus on here is MOMENT. You see, the moment is over, the breakdown happened. How it happened means nothing at this point in time. But how you react to it means everything.

Kapag sobrang nasaktan ka, it’s but normal to be cynical when it comes to love. You’d think, there’s no such thing as happy ending. Nawalan ka na ng gana to go out and enjoy. It’s much easier to stay in on Friday nights and cuddle up with a good book than be out there in the big bad world of heartbreaks, disappointments, and shitty relationships. They all end anyway. Everyone is taken or gay. Sooner or later everyone gets replaced…

Why go out? You might actually meet someone. Then you might like him. He might like you. He might ask you out, kiss you, and then, before you know it, you’re dating. Then you’ll have the premonition of another heart-wrenching, soul-destroying break up.

There will always be excuses. Admit it: You’re afraid of getting hurt again. Afraid of making yourself vulnerable. But there will always be scary things in life. Wouldn’t it be boring otherwise?

Getting Over Him
So it’s been a while. Or maybe it hasn’t. Maybe you have amazing recuperative powers and realized fairly quickly what kind of a cad you were dealing with. Maybe not. Maybe it took time – maybe seasons have passed or you’ve rung in more than one New Year without him. Maybe you cried your heart out and then came to realize that you didn’t want to buy any more tissues. Or maybe you took a long hard look at yourself in the mirror and realized that you were worth more than he thought you were.

The point is, you’re over him.

That magic moment sometimes happens in a blinding flash. Other times it can happen without you even noticing.

hindi pa ako completely over him. may mga times na naaalala ko siya at nase-senti ako. pero im trying to hold back myself from dwelling in the past. i won't let him and his memories determine my happiness.

It’s never easy mending a broken heart. A wise woman once said that you never get over some things – you just get used to them. They’re always there in your memory, but time mends and eventually even the worst of wounds heal.

And no matter what the process, no matter how little or how long it took, there’s a crystalline moment of clarity when you know that this is it and you’re really through with him.

Now that the relationship is over and you’re over him, you can look back on it with some objectivity. It’s not as painful to think about it anymore, so now it becomes less about what you’ve lost and more about what you’re taking with you. So instead of “I lost him,” you can think in positives about what you’ve gained.

A bittergirl may harbor resentments toward the perpetrator of her break up, but she eventually recognizes that he’s the one who really missed out.

He may not have turned out to be your knight in shining armor, but there was valuable life experience in that relationship somewhere.

A bittergirl is not really bitter. She has crawled through the trenches of heartbreak hell and come through seasoned, experienced, wiser, and funnier. She can take on the world again with her sense of humor intact and a raft of good stories to tell.

someday, when my wounds have healed, when the mere mention of his name doesn't send me staring at a blank space, when i have finally accepted why things didn't work out the way i wanted, i will look back at this moment, and will read these blog entries and then i will say to myself, "grabe, ang pathetic ko noon. buti na lang, hindi na ako ganun ngayon..."

darating din ang moment na iyun, someday...

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

san mo nabili ung book?got hooked with it kaagad..thanks!

Anonymous said...

pauli-ulit kong binabasa ang entry na ito.

san pwede mabili ang book?

Anonymous said...

hmmmm...too early to say that the book helps..will get back to you in a couple of months..then we will see if you are really OK..maybe then, we can say that the book made a difference..but seriously, i doubt it...you will surely get over him but not in the near future..or not without a new man to replace all his memories..

kiyoko said...

pahiram ng book ha - mukhang masayang basahin. we could've written the same book ourselves, hahaha. maybe even funnier pa ;-)

noreen said...

sa dalawang naunang ANONYMOUS na nag-tanong about the book, i bought it sa diplomat sa may edsa central in mandaluyong noong napadpad kami dun noong housemate ko last week. am not sure kung meron nito sa national or sa powerbooks. havent checked.

sa pangatlong anonymous, i wish you left your name para alam ko if kilala kita or nagbabasa ka lang ng blog ko.

"you will surely get over him but not in the near future..or not without a new man to replace all his memories..."

wow, sa sinabi mo, parang kilalang-kilala mo na ako! kung kaibigan kita na ayaw magpakilala, then sige, siguro nga may pinangga-galingang iyong hirit mo na iyun kasi nakikita mo or alam mo ang struggles ko to get over him.

pero kung hindi kita kaibigan, at isa ka lang sa nagbabasa ng blog ko, then medyo off naman na sabihin mo na makakalimutan ko lang siya kung meron akong bagong lalake. i dont need a new man to get over the former guy. it might work for others pero sa akin, hindi. one needs to be compeletely over the previous guy before opening herself to another guy. kasi unfair yun for the new guy.

again, i wish nagpakilala ka. i have this suspicion na i know you, kaya you didnt put your name for reasons na ikaw lang ang nakakaalam. thanks for taking the time to comment, though. it means you still care...

noreen said...

KIYOKO,

surely! gusto mo ba lagyan ko na ng highlights iyong mga passages na alam ko makaka-relate ka rin? hehehe

rina said...

in fairness naman kay anonymous #3, pwede ring general theory lang nya yon that people won't generally forget someone unless another "distraction" comes along. or baka can relate sya sa theory na yon and he/she thought that it can apply to you. ako kasi medyo relate, he he. feeling ko rin noon the easiest way to forget was to get somebody else. it didn't exactly work that way though, what happened was i just swore to be single for the rest of my life, haha

of course, pwede ring kilala ka nya. kilalang-kilala, mwahaha.

another thing: yung friend ko dati she deleted the guy's number and she felt really brave doing it, kaya lang, wala rin kasi kabisado rin naman nya yung number, ha ha! ikaw? :)

noreen said...

iyong nauna niyang number, memoryado ko. :) eh kaso, nagpalit siya ng sim this year, so mga one month pa lang iyong new sim number nya nung dinelete ko kaya ayun, di ko rin memoryado.

Anonymous said...

regarding dun sa anonymous comment no 3, parang ang pathetic naman for thinking that a new guy can help you get over a heartbreak. rebound relationship yun! strong people depend on selves lang. hello, sino sya to supervise your life and judge? napaka-immature naman na comment nun!

saka, now you're supposed to "prove" yourself to an anonymous poster. bakit, importante ba siya? fyi, ang priority ng mga tao ay emotional health, not impressing other people. sino siya to question the pacing of how you move on? importante siya? eh wala nga siya name, anonymous lang siya. haha

- CLARING

Anonymous said...

haha, ako din na-delete kna no. nia sa fown pero personalized kc no. nmn pareho,,, excuse lng poh i think its not fair to use somebody pra lng maging ok ka,,wat goes around comes around,, and takot ako sa karma,,, *wink*

-dons