today i woke up an hour late than the usual and literally dragged myself out of my bed. as i went down the stairs and headed to the bathroom, i sighed and said, "pagod na ako."
tired of what? di ko alam. tired of what's happening in my life. of what's not happening in my life. tired of the usual tasks that im doing. tired of routine. tired of the unexpected twists and turns that are thrown my way every now and then. tired of the feelings im feeling, of the memories that keep haunting me, of everything that is and isn't going on around me. basta, im tired.
while on my way to the office this morning, i told myself, "ano ka ba, nagko-complain ka sa buhay mo eh ang daming bagay na you should be grateful for. mahiya ka nga..."
i thought about a single mom who is jobless and is currently battling a case against her former employer, of a friend whose sister has cancer, of a friend who recently learned that her boyfriend of three years cheated on her, of a friend who's broke and needs money for her sick mother, of a wife and a mother who still pines for the illicit affair she just ended...
oo, wala akong karapatan magreklamo sa kung anuman ang nangyayari o hindi nangyayari ngayon sa buhay ko.
i was consoled. for a while.
a couple of hours later, while i was in the middle of reading an article about the latest maritime news, i told my writer, "grabe, pagod na ako. im tired of this life..." and then i cried. walang pinanggagalingan. walang pinanghuhugutan. walang dahilan, basta na lang ako umiyak.
napapagod na ako. :'(