Wednesday, June 20, 2007

nakakapagod

today i woke up an hour late than the usual and literally dragged myself out of my bed. as i went down the stairs and headed to the bathroom, i sighed and said, "pagod na ako."

tired of what? di ko alam. tired of what's happening in my life. of what's not happening in my life. tired of the usual tasks that im doing. tired of routine. tired of the unexpected twists and turns that are thrown my way every now and then. tired of the feelings im feeling, of the memories that keep haunting me, of everything that is and isn't going on around me. basta, im tired.

while on my way to the office this morning, i told myself, "ano ka ba, nagko-complain ka sa buhay mo eh ang daming bagay na you should be grateful for. mahiya ka nga..."

i thought about a single mom who is jobless and is currently battling a case against her former employer, of a friend whose sister has cancer, of a friend who recently learned that her boyfriend of three years cheated on her, of a friend who's broke and needs money for her sick mother, of a wife and a mother who still pines for the illicit affair she just ended...

oo, wala akong karapatan magreklamo sa kung anuman ang nangyayari o hindi nangyayari ngayon sa buhay ko.

i was consoled. for a while.

a couple of hours later, while i was in the middle of reading an article about the latest maritime news, i told my writer, "grabe, pagod na ako. im tired of this life..." and then i cried. walang pinanggagalingan. walang pinanghuhugutan. walang dahilan, basta na lang ako umiyak.

napapagod na ako. :'(

12 comments:

Anonymous said...

ate noreen (kahit nde ka pa pumapayag na maging ate ko (",),

i could tell you to stop crying but it won't help... ganyan din ako e... lalo pa malayo ako sa friends ko... kahit kasama ko family ko, iba pa din yong andiyan lang ang bestfriends mo na pwede mong takbuhan kahit pa parang walang sense ang dinadrama mo... kaya sige lang... iyak lang... pero be with your friends... those you know na mahal ka talga... they'll make you feel better...

i'm sorry kung parang feeling close ako sayo... alam ko lang pakiramdam ng ganyan...

sana you'll feel better soon...

-pango

Anonymous said...

okay lang mapagod, kasi tao tayo. okay lang umiyak paminsan, nakaka-cleanse ng soul.
basta, pag nagkita tayo, hug kita. :)

waterfowl

Anonymous said...

Ay naku Noreen, you're definitely emotionally tired. Kaya ka rin mentally at physically worn out. Kailangan mo yata uli ng bakasyon para magmuni-muni at ubusin yang luha mo sa kaiiyak.

I don't want to tell you to just "hang in there" (dahil pagod ka na nga eh). Just go and take a break.

Mabel

Angelo said...

kailangan mo lang ng hinga, friend.

cue in "breathe" music from grey's anatomy.

rina said...

ay naku nakakabaliw yung ganyang phase. pero sana wag naman whole life mo yung kapaguran mo. surely there areas in your life that are doing great in spite of it all, right? right?

Anonymous said...

nakakapagod ang mag-isa...

-lushlips

nikka said...

hey, ate noreen.

imo, i don't think just because other people seem to have it worse, hindi ka na pwedeng magreklamo at mapagod. problema is problema (whatever it is). you don't need to feel guilty. :)

you prolly know this already but things are gonna be okay, and then after a time, it won't be. again. cycle lang.

not even trying to delve into whatever unnamed want it is that needs satisfaction, or whatever deep-seated problem you can't identify, my superficial suggestion is: break routine once in a while. experience a different rush. it might help. :)

noreen said...

pango, wala akong choice, nakadalawang "ate" ka na sa akin eh :P kahit naman di ako pumayag, wala akong magagawa kung panay pa rin ang "ate" mo sa akin. hehe saka, sanay na ako na natatawag ng "ate." wag lang "tita" dahil di kita pamangkin! :P salamat. :*

rose, waaaah, gusto ko iyang *hugs* na iyan pag nagkita tayo uli.

mabel, oo nga. kailangan ng bakasyon!

angelo! waaaaah. aalis ka na :'( lalo akong mapapagod nyan kasi... alam mo na un. ;)

rina, oo nga phase lang ito. SANA! kailangan ko mag-recharge...

lushlips, korek! nakakapagod din iyan!

nikka, i know it's a cycle pero sometimes, i cant help but wish na sana, tumagal-tagal naman iyong "okay" moments. and thanks for making me realize that i need to "experience a different rush." you just gave me an idea... ;)

Anonymous said...

hugs for noreen >:D<
hope u feel better!!

-dons

kiyoko said...

take a weeklong (or foot-long? hahaha) break mare :)you deserve it.., we all deserve it. kahit diyosa nagpapahinga rin 'no

;-)

Anonymous said...

wakeke, sa wakas nakapag-comment din.. tagal ko na nagbabasa ng mga posts mo, sa blogspot pa.. fan mo talaga ko, ahehe.. i even added you in my friendster account.. sabi ko, it's like you're speaking for me.. ewan ko but before i have read your post here on 'nakakapagod', parehong situation yung pinagdaanan natin and on the same date pa.. sakin lang it took some more days.. from wednesday to sunday.. i took some days off from work just because of that kind of tiredness.. parallel lives kung parallel lives.. worse, ang SB ng buhay ko, nakikita ko each damn day i go to work -- same team, same building, same circle of friends, same space.. he has his long-distance gf while we have something that couldn't be defined - a pseudo-relationship siguro.. i tried to go away a lot of times, but then bumabalik at bumabalik pa din kami to each other.. and again, i said goodbye last week, before i had my 3-day leave.. i had the feeling that this time, that goodbye is for real.. pagod na pagod na din ako.. tired of pretending that it doesn't hurt.. dumating na lang ako dun sa point that all i want to do is cry.. nakakapagod..

just want to share this & im pretty sure u've encountered this already, but anyway, hope it still has some effect.. thanks for your posts :)

"until one morning, i'll wake up and find i'm thinking about something else, and then i'll know the worst is over. my heart might be bruised, but it will recover and become capable of seeing the beauty of life once more. it's happened before, it will happen again, i'm sure. when someone leaves, it's because someone else is about to arrive." -- the zahir, paulo coelho


~~~yuwie~~~

Anonymous said...

why is it that most of the times when we are feeling down and out, we find solace and assurance with the "misery" of others and comparing ourselves? does it mean that happiness and contentment is just a state of mind and relative to our environment? does it also mean that human being is not capable of having absolute happiness and will always depend on others?