Monday, January 7, 2008

the year that was

if you were to describe your 2007 in one word, what would it be? ako... wala akong maisip. pero try ko describe bawat month ko in one word, baka sakaling may lumabas... heto na ang aking yearender entry (tama bang unahin ko ito kesa sa deadline ko before midnight mamaya? sana sobrang ngarag ang headwriter ko at di nya mabasa ito, hehehe)

january - changes

"you change for two reasons. either you learn enough that you want to, or you've been hurt enough that you have to..."

i wanted to start my year right so i didn't text SB to greet him happy new year. very unlikely of me. isa sa mga goals ko for 2007 was to get rid of him for good. it was a process. incidentally, he seemed distant at the start of the year. parang may nagbago na rin sa kanya. and in two months, malalaman ko kung ano iyun.

"i said goodbye to end the pain but now that it's over, why does it hurt so bad?" one-liner entry ko sa journal ko.

ilang beses na ako nag goodbye kay sb nung 2006 pero he wouldn't let me kasi sabi niya, "i don't want to lose you." pero this month, nakikiuyon na siya... and it stings.

february - heartbreak

for two years in a row, kasama ko si sb ng valentine's day. but unlike the previous year , sabay lang kami umuwi this year. i was going to meet kareen and claring sa up fair kasi. the night before valentine's, sb and i had dinner at megamall. wala sa hinuha ko na that would be the last dinner we'd be having together.

"there is no time i feel more alive than when my heart is breaking," ang ym status ko. ano un, prophetic? sobrang emotional ng buwan na ito. ayoko na lang ilagay dito ang mga ym conversations at text messages namin kasi marami-rami rin iyun pero kaya pala sobrang agit ako this month, may dahilan pala iyong pagiging praning ko. syempre, he still wasn't telling the truth...

march - endings

iyong first two months ng 2007, iyun na pala ang "conflict and climax" ng episode namin and this month, ito na iyong the end. ito yata ang buwan na ang dami kong luhang naiyak. hindi lang galon-galon kundi drum! wala pa rin siyang sinasabi. he just said he's fixing something in his life.

on march 29, the day before my flight to davao, i asked him one question.

his answer was a mere yup but that three-letter-word hurt me more than any other words could. but then that answer made me realize na this is it. tama na, noreen. tapos na talaga...

we talked at starbucks ayala, where everything started 14 months ago. it was where everything ended, too.

april - devastated

went to davao for a 10-day vacation and somehow, that eased the pain i was feeling this month. i learned that family and friends can really help you deal with a heartbreak.

when i came back to manila, i was a different person. i deleted all of his contact numbers, all his text messages and all our pictures in my phone. i wasn't replying to his text messages and yms... i was determined to let go and move on.

of course it wasn't easy. i was miserable. i was crying every day but then, kahit na nagpaparamdam siya, kahit na miss na miss ko siya... i stood firm. tama na. wala rin naman patutunguhan eh.

may - choices

sabi ni spidey sa spider-man 3, "we always have a choice." so this month, i chose to stop being miserable. i got back on my feet and geared up for a brand-new life, a life without sb. and to show na i won't allow myself to be affected by him and his memories, i returned to mall of asia -- without him. and it was a liberating experience.

i was still hurt, i would still cry once in a while pero i was trying not to dwell too much on the pain he caused me...

at para mapadali ang healing process, this month, i bought my laptop, nico. :) may bagong lalake sa buhay ni noringai. hehehe

june - independence

i survived june 12. only my close friends know the significance of that date and the whole year, i was dreading to face it pero i survived... it was just like an ordinary day for me.

text sa akin ni jan, "today could be the last day you will let him and your past heartaches determine your future happiness. happy independence day!"

this month, direk j asked me to be part of this fantaserye, which never materialized. nasayang lang ang ilang araw naming meetings at brainstormings pero okay na rin... learning experience na lang iyun.

july - relapse

"repeated experiences have but one aim: to teach you what you do not want to learn," sabi ni paulo coehlo.

ok i have a confession... i havent told anyone about it but i greeted sb on his birthday. i sent him a blank email with the subject "happy birthday." couldn't help it.

ang tawag dito: relapse. it was just a moment of weakness which im not very proud of. pero moment lang naman iyun. sinampal ko sarili ko right after i sent that email. (itanong niyo kay claring, a few years ago, pinukpok ko ng boots ang ulo ko so oo, capable ako saktan sarili ko).

that was my first and last relapse.

august - decisions

i got a text message from an unknown number inviting me to be part of claudine's new soap. that made me hand out my resignation letter to M company. after how many years of working in a corporate world, pikit-mata akong umalis sa stable at secure na trabaho and plunge into the uncertain world of showbiz -- just to follow my passion.

got another invitation to write for an afternoon soap but because of my busy schedule with your song and claudine soap, di ako nakapunta sa lock in. a few weeks after, the new show was aired, while the claudine soap was... well, hindi muna natuloy. the afternoon soap will always be "my could-have-been first soap" but okay lang. no regrets. things happen for a reason.

"the best feeling in the world comes when you start feeling good again after you've been feeling awful," nabasa ko somewhere. and this month, i can say that i was having the best feeling in the world.

maganda na uli tingin ko sa mundo. i am back to my old bubbly self. hindi na ako galit at miserable. (kailangan ko lang yata sampalin sarili ko para matauhan)

september - from bitter to better

napagkakitaan ko na naman ang heartache ko when the article i wrote won and was published in the philippine star. "being hurt is something we can't stop from happening but being miserable is always our choice," sabi ko sa essay ko.

on the same day, the men-sisig analogy was also immortalized when it became a part of a dialogue in your song. the director liked it. the ep and ap liked it. i loved it. :)

this month, i was included in bing lao's advance scriptwriting workshop.

and i got a text message inviting me to be part of super inggo book 2.

went to baguio with kareen, kristhian and gitz.

my friendster shoutout said, "when you can't remember why you were hurt, that's the time you're already healed..."

this month, i can say that i am healed :)

october - old/new

after how many months of not talking to each other, a very good friend and i finally talked again and met up personally. you see, we had a falling out early this year but then we forgot about the rift and made up.

am glad you're back in my life, friend. i couldn't believe an asshole almost ruined our 20-year-old friendship! ;)

this month, claring and i bonded with new friends whom we met during the bing lao workshop -- the ensaymada girls: nix, winnie and rose (who was already a friend since 2006).

november - firsts

this is a month of first -- bought my first havaianas, my first fossil watch, my first digicam. it was also my first time na makahawak ng malaking halaga. i didnt expect that my separation pay from M company would be that huge. was able to pay my Pxx,000 utang in cards, my utang to my sis na nag-abono sa pinapagawa kong bahay sa davao.

first time ko rin maka-experience ng lock-in sa hotel for three days para sa soap.

this month, i did something i havent done in a long time -- flirted in a bar with someone i barely knew.

and before the month ended, i met someone new -- and i never expected that this someone would be the reason why i'd be singing happy songs again. :)

december - tingles

"'coz everytime i see your bubbly face, i get the tingles in a silly place," ang aking favorite song this month. because of this guy who made my december really tingle-y.

two shows were approved for next year -- isang kiddie show at isang heavy drama soap. i'd be very busy in 2008 but okay lang. this is what i've always wanted.... besides, wala na ako pera, 1/3 na lang ang natitira dun sa big money na nakuha ko last month... so kailangan ko talaga ang mga shows na ito.

went to davao again for christmas break, and to attend our high school reunion. and to recharge. :) now i can face 2008, rejuvenated. hehehee

(di pa ako tapos sa ginagawa ko para sa headwriter ko, happy new year, kapatid, kung nababasa mo man ito. di bale, nagpapakamatay na rin naman ako para sa shows natin... kaya nga minadali ko isulat ang entry na ito baka di na ako umabot.bwahahahaha)

1 comment:

aart hilal said...

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Check the blog.
if you want, or subscribe to his newsletter
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You'll see a community of warriors of light sharing ideas, dreams and most importantly following their personal legend.

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The Warrior of Light recognizes the silence that precedes an important battle.

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Have a nice day!

Aart