Saturday, March 29, 2008

dear SB,

exactly one year ago, it ended.

there will always be two versions of our story. for you, one year ago, you walked out of my door. for me, one year ago, i closed my door on you.

but the bottom line is that a year ago, it was over.

i will never forget what happened a year ago, how your mere reply to my question made me decide to get rid of you and end your chapter in my life -- for good. how i finally realized that i have to save whatever was left of me and the best way was to walk out of that convoluted relationship.

it was a slow and painful process. slow and painful, but i managed to crawl back from the pits of depression. that was my worst heartache, my most painful experience, the times when i would drag myself out of bed and struggle to live one day at a time, when all i did was cry and wallow in misery.

one year after, here i am... wiser. stronger. better.

although i have to admit that there are times when i'd find myself crying because of you. there are times when i'd suddenly remember you and get sentimental. there are times when i'd miss you and long for the moments that we spent together.

but it's normal, i know. you played a major role in my life and i wouldn't be who i am right now if it weren't for you.

twenty years from now, i will still be remembering you, because whether i like it or not, you will always be a significant person in my life because of what we had.

***

during my senti moments, i'd ask myself, will i ever find someone like you?

someone who would be willing to wait for me so he could take me home -- kapag inaabot ako ng hatinggabi sa meeting o kaya inuumaga sa inuman.
someone na makakasama ko kumain either sa buffet sa dad's or sa karinderya sa kanto
someone who already knows what i want to order even before i could talk -- whether in kfc, dencio's or starbucks
someone who can make me laugh, iyong kahit korni, nadadaan sa delivery ng joke
someone na may sense kausap, and i can talk about anything for hours -- na hindi napapansin na umaga na pala
someone who will update me about the latest in teleseryes and pbb whenever i'd fail to catch the episode
someone na game makipag-sabayan ng videoke sa akin hanggang madaling araw
someone na puwede akong maging vulnerable, uninhibited and unwarranted, where i can be myself and show my imperfections - warts and all.
someone who readily gives a hug whenever i need it, or someone who has no qualms sa pag-cuddle or pag-spoon.
someone who has the initiative to ask me to hear mass
someone who would cook for me

someone who watches my every episode on TV, at magtatanong pa sa ibang tao kung ano ang masasabi nila sa episode na sinulat ko...

and my answer is this -- i will never find someone like you. because i will find someone better than you.

that someone will not lie to me. will not betray me. will not make lame excuses to me.
that someone will be faithful, iyong kapag hindi ko katabi ay hindi ako napa-praning kung sino kaya kasama o sang kama kaya natutulog.
that someone will be sincere, who means it when he says i love you.
that someone will not only be with me for convenience's sake.
that someone will not make fun of my hair when i wake up in the morning.
that someone will make efforts to hang out with my friends and be nice to them.

that someone will be better because he will not hurt me.

***

it has been one year since we last saw each other. one year since you went to our condo and i decided to cut it off.

i wish you could see me now. i wish you had an idea what's going on in my life right now. i wish you knew that even though i sleep alone at night, i am actually living a better life without you.

thank you, J, for coming into my life. without you, my world would be different.
thank you for all the joys and pains you gave me
thank you for the experiences that we shared
thank you for breaking my heart
thank you for the learning lessons
thank you for making me realize that i deserve more -- in love and in life.


one year na since it ended.
the mourning period is over.
i know you will still be haunting me forever but this would be my last blog entry about you...
i have been writing about you since january 2006. tama na.


goodbye, J.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

aba eh. oo nga naman.

finally. a lesson. a realization that ripened just in time.

i so like this entry. seriously.

tina

rina said...

"i have been writing about you since january 2006"

na deja vu ako sa FOD era natin, when we met. there was a guy na ilang taon ko din yata naging blog material. hay, buhay nga naman... i hope you're really okay about this na

Anonymous said...

TINA, salamat :) are you the tina na kilala ko? ung kaklase ko nung HS? :D or ibang Tina ka? :D

RINA, korak! reminds me of FOD days. hahaha hai. parang kelan lang? :D

--NORINGAI

meann said...

hay. i could feel the emotion in this post. good for you ate noreen. hugs. :)

Anonymous said...

hehe. yups. tina in hs. :D

i guess, i can't be a lurker once in a while. :D

regards!

mare said...

But most importantly, you've lived to tell.

With all the NKOTB reunion talk, it reminded me of you gals. Hope you're well!