Wednesday, October 15, 2008

naka-relate ka ba kay april?

may nag pm sa akin, naka-relate daw sya sa kuwento ni april at ni jhun sa your song presents my only hope. sino nga ba ang hindi makaka-relate kay april? tadtad na iyong ganitong plot sa bawat telenovela at pelikula. pero mabenta pa rin. kasi ang dami nga nakaka-relate. eight out of ten yata sa kakilala ko, na-in love sa kaibigan. at kalahati doon sa walong iyun, takot na dalhin ang relationship to the next level. tulad ni jhun. ilang years na "parang sila pero hindi..." obvious naman na more than friends ang tingin nila sa isa't isa pero hindi naman siya mag-dyowa.

april already confronted jhun ... "nagagalit ka kapag tumitingin ako sa iba. kapag lumalapit ako sa iyo, lumalayo ka... pagod na ako sa kakahintay. sabihin mo nga sa akin, ano ba talaga tayo?"

"sa ngayon, friends lang muna..."

aray.

tatlo kaming writers na nanood ng episode 2 -- ako, si julian at si rose. at sabay-sabay kaming umiyak noong nanood nito. although julian and i cried dun sa keeno-jessie scene, while rose and i wept sa april-jhun scene. as in commercial gap na, nagpupunas pa ako ng luha.

pero feeling ko mas maiiyak ako sa april-jhun scenes sa susunod na weeks. mas nakakaiyak kesa sa april-keeno.

may mas masakit pa ba sa sitwasyon na sana kayo na, mahal nyo ang isa't isa, pero nawala siya sa iyo? mas masakit ito kesa sa unrequited love. kasi yun, alam mo na from the start na one-sided lang. keri lang. mahal mo eh.

pero iyung alam mong minahal ka niya dati pero dahil sa kagagawan mo, napagod siya at nawala ang feelings niya sa iyo at nalipat sa iba, at kahit anong pilit mo na makuha siya uli... wala na... tapos na. pagod na sya. nasagad na...

pinakamasakit iyun. iyong ikaw gusto mo pa, pero siya ayaw na. kung kelan ready ka na, napagod na siya...

hai...


song of the moment: though the feeling hasn't passed, it's sad to say our love didn't last. please don't ask me to pretend coz i know it's over now - it's over now, kyla.

quote of the day: "iba ang malawak sa malalim," rose colindres, writer.

what i learned recently: tama nga sila... you don't always get what you want. but you always get what you deserve.

1 comment:

ms_watkudhvbin said...

"kung kelan ready ka na, napagod na siya..."

aray ko naman. tagos na tagos po, ate! i chanced upon your blog and saw this post. i could so relate! masigabong palakpakan talaga! parang kuwento lang ng buhay ko kasi. share ko lang baka magawan mo kasi ng Your Song episode. tapos si kim chiu ang bida. hahaha!

Almost eight years ko syang pinaghintay, pinaasa, pinahabol, pinanghula at pinagmukhang-tanga. that's how he put it to common friends btw. binasted ko daw sya, which was technically wrong imho. Hinintay ko lang kasi na pormal nyang tanungin, kasi kung magtatanong sya, sasagot naman ako e. Puro sya parinig at paramdam lang naman ang ginawa nya. And i didnt have the guts to ask him the dreaded question na kung "kami na ba?" gusto ko sa kanya manggaling. kasi sya ang lalaki.

when we both passed sa upcat, nagpalipat sya ng course para pareho kame ng college at mabantayan daw nya ko. even a year after college grad he still pursued me. aminado ako na i liked the chase. i think na-addict ako or something sa attention and to the fact that he's willing to brave everything para sa akin (kahit pa kahihiyan). never ko kasi nasabi na the feeling has been mutual all along. I was able to convince everyone including him na wala akong gusto sa kanya at sya lang ang patay na patay saken. that's what my actions and reaction to him were insinuating daw sabi ng lahat. di ko nasabi that even before he officially confessed when we were senior in high school, may gusto na talaga ako sa kanya.

up until May last year he was still his usual self, tapos nawala na lang syang parang bula. wala na kong 10 jokes at 5 quotes a day sa text from him. Wala na rin yung pagtawag nya tuwing 12noon at 12midnight just to check on me o kaya asarin ako. Come June and everyone has been calling me na lang to ask bakit may iba na syang gf. Wala daw akong awa. After everything he went through for me, ganun-ganun na lang daw ginawa ko. I was shocked. Bakit ako ang nasisisi? I wasnt the one who got myself a new bf!

I cried out of panghihinayang at siguro kahihiyan na rin. i learned that the girl was fresh out of high school from an international school, half-Swiss and drop-dead gorgeous. Wala naman talaga akong gaanong insecurity kasi di naman ako vain or anything plus I am proud of what i can do and what i have. Pero natigalgal pa din ako nung malaman ko ang mga detalye. Even if I didnt ask for any detail about his new-found relationship, kusang nire-relay saken ng mga kakilala lahat. Halos isang entity na kasi ang tingin samen ng lahat. Tipong package deal, forever loveteam, buy 1 take 1, ako sya, sya ako. Na kapag nakasalubong ako ng tao ang automatic na tanong saken, "asan na si ano?" or "kumusta na kayo ni ano?" Attributed sya saken. Attributed ako sa kanya. Nasanay ako sa ganung set-up at hanggang ngayon Im still living it dahil ganun pa rin ang tingin ng mga tao samen lalo na yung mga high school classmates namen.

Ang yabang ko kasi. Secured kasi ako masyado sa feelings nya for me. Kala ko never sya magkakalakas ng loob na tumingin sa iba. Yun pala may expiration din. Napagod na pala sya and I discovered na yung girl wala pang 1 week nya niligawan, sila na.

I didnt know who the girl was. At lalo pa akong nagulat nung nalaman ko na it was the same girl who's been sending me smileys sa friendster nung May at June which I never bothered to attend to. She was mocxking me pala!

I eventually decided to check her profile and to my horror, she's been spoofing pa pala my primary photo captions and shoutout. Nakakatawang nakakaawa. That went on for months!

She did those immature trippings up until August. I never bothered to react kahit na ang totoo apektado ako at badtrip. Although i did write an entry about her sa Multiply site ko. But I still have a sense of pride kasi ayon nga sa friends ko, malamang di sya secured sa feelings ng guy sa kanya at lam nyang ako pa din ang mahal kahit sila na. Let's admit it. No one can change the beauty of first love. It never dies!

September last year I got into a serious relationship with someone. At kami pa din til now (yey!). I am happy. He was my officemate when I started working (that was May 2007 din) for a company. He courted me since first day na nagmeet kami and he has all the qualities of a guy that I want. I could honestly say that I love my bf. Pero I have to admit that there are still moments when I wonder on the what-could-have-been's. Funny pa nga kasi the day after na sinagot ko bf ko, we heard mass tapos we went to glorietta to watch a movie. I was holding my bf's hand, leading him to our seats when someone seated in one of the front seats called my name. Horror of all horrors, si what-could-have-been pala with no less than her gf watching the exact film, exact time, exact cinema. nakakatawa ang kapalaran! Ang mas nakakatawa, I was relieved to see him. Umandar na naman kasi ang natural kong kayabangan. Malakas loob ko kasi atleast when I saw him with his gf, I wasnt alone, I didnt look pitiful and I looked blooming holding someone else's hand. Di ko kasi alam kung anu reaction ko if ever it happened on a different scenario.

I just shrugged and said "Oy!" tapos wala na. Gusto ko kasi buhusan ng popcorn yung mukha ng immature gf nya dahil naalala ko pinaggagawa sa friendster ko.

Last month, mr. what-could-have-been messaged me from out of the blue and asked if we could meet and talk. i didnt reply to him out of love and respect to my bf now. but i did check his friendster profile that day and saw that he was single again. di pa ko nagpaawat, i checked the girl's profile and saw her shoutout which went something like: "so it's not worth fighting for?" so that was a give away.

but a week after that surprising text from him, i checked again his profile and he's back with the girl. that didnt bother me. in fact i somehow expected it.

so did i have something to do with their sudden breaking up? mahal pa ba nya ko? ewan ko. i may never know the answers to those questions and i couldnt care less.

someone so great loves me right now and he has the great promise of a great future with me. at nagkalakas loob sya na pormal na tanungin ako. yun ang importante sa palagay ko. naiisip ko pa din ba si what-could-have-been? oo. pero i dont wallow over it anymore. mas naiisip ko na lang yung good times at kilig moments before. tapos mapapangiti na lang ako, tapos wala na.

P.S.
We had a high school reunion nga pala recently. We had a public Q&A question and one classmate (one of my closest friends who knew about my true feelings for what-could-have-been before) had the guts to ask me in front of everyone and him na rin na kung tinanong ba nya ko dati kung pwede nya ko maging gf, sasagot ba daw ako ng oo?

Nakaktitig lahat saken. nakatitig din sya saken.Hinihintay ang sagot ko. At walang kagatol-gatol akong sumagot ng "Oo. Sasagot ako ng oo. Pero di na yun importante ngayon kasi di naman sya nagtanong at saka may mahal na ako ngayon. Pinagtatawanan ko na nga lang yung mga dating kachorvahan."

I looked at him intently. I could see that it was pain I saw in his eyes. I smiled at him nonchalantly, but I knew that deep down inside me, something so special just died. Ang consolation ko na lang, atleast tapos na. =)