Wednesday, November 3, 2010

sana baliw na lang ako...

five years ago... november 3, 2005... i wrote this in my blog:


C turns 30 today. he once said he'd marry when he's 35. i'd say, hope he marries earlier than 35. so i can finally convince myself that there will be no "US." so i can finally let go and move on. if he intends to remain single for five more years, then that means five more years of waiting and hoping on my end. =(

***

got this from awi's blog:

"Waiting is a good thing only if something is worth waiting for. How will you know if it's worth it? Gut feel. What if you don't trust your gut? Pray. You will be enlightened.

"So should you wait? What does your gut say? How does your heart feel? What does your mind think? If they're saying different things, keep asking yourself these 3 questions until you get a solid answer.

"Then you'll know if he is worth waiting for."

***

excerpt from blog entry entitled ikaw na naman posted on august 14, 2004: A few months ago, sumali ako sa isang writing contest. I wrote about you. And the "us" that will never be. Medyo confident ako sa sinulat ko. Hopeful ako na mananalo. Sabi ko rin, para may silbi ka sa buhay ko. Kung hindi man kita makakatuluyan, at least, ikaw ang maghahatid sa akin para ma-recognize ako bilang magaling na writer. At magkakapera pa ako. Iyun ang da best na closure.

Kaso, talo ako. As usual, wala na naman akong napala sa iyo. Inisip ko noon, kapag nanalo iyong entry ko tungkol sa iyo, ibig sabihin, iyun na ang purpose mo sa buhay ko. Na kaya kita nakilala, minahal at pinag-obsesses-an ng ilang taon ay para may maisulat akong winning entry that would pave the way for fame and fortune. Pero hindi ako nanalo. Ibig sabihin ba nito, hindi pa tapos ang episode mo sa buhay ko?


from relapse (may 5, 2005): sometimes, wini-wish ko na sana ikasal ka na. para tuluyan na matapos ang ilusyon ko. para alam ko na wala na talaga akong aasahan sa iyo. para alam ko na kailanman, hindi tayo magkakatuluyan.

anobakasiginawamosaakin? siguro iniisip mo na baliw ako. sana nga baliw na lang ako para may ekplenasyon ang lahat ng ito. kapag may nagtanong sa akin kung bakit ikaw pa rin, ang daling sabihin, "baliw ako eh." end of story. kaso, hindi ako baliw. matino naman ako. sa iyo lang ako baliw. at nakakainis kasi habang nagpapakabaliw ako sa iyo, you are living a normal life, in your own world that doesn't include me.


***

from isa na namang entry tungkol sa iyo (August 8, 2005): pero for the record, hindi na kita mahal. pramis. hindi na ako umaasa na magkakatuluyan tayo. hindi na ako ganoon kabaliw sa iyo. siguro kapag nakita kita uli, as always, mangangatog na naman tuhod ko at kakabog ang dibdib ko. pero hindi ibig sabihin noon na pinagpapantasyahan pa rin kita. hindi ko na ini-imagine na katabi kita sa harap ng pari at nag-e-exchange ng "i do."

oo, siguro nga naka-let go na ako. ang dali lang naman mag-let go eh. sana ganun din kadali mag-move on. pero forever ka na ata nakatatak sa akin. isang stigma, na hindi na maalis-alis sa aking sistema.


***

from one and 29 (november 3, 2004): They say writers can handle pain well because they can write about it and the more they write, the more detached they become. But then there are memories that will never go away, no matter how many times you write about them. And he is that one thing that I could never get rid of, even if he appears in every article that I write. He has become a part of me, how can I get rid of myself?

***

he turns 30 today. another year adds in his life that doesn't include me, while i'm living a life full of him... hope the tide will change for me soon.

posted Thursday, 3 November 2005



=====

a month after i wrote that entry, i met a new guy -- si SB. and i had to say, because of SB, i forgot C. as in i totally got over C. walang-wala iyong ilang years na feelings ko for C, iyong mga kabaliwang nagawa ko sa kanya...

it's 2010 now... SB and i parted ways three years ago. ive never fallen in love in three years... but C... C is still constant in my life... he comes and goes and yes, C is still single. he is that person that -- no matter how many guys i meet or go through -- i will always have a thing for him...

i remember one time, i said something like, "kapag itong si C, hindi pa kinasal by the time he's 35, it means one thing -- kami talaga ang magkakatuluyan..."

he turns 35 today....

cue in music: i guess it's meant to be, forever you and me, after all....

***

sana nga baliw na lang ako... para ang daling ipaliwanag kung bakit ako nagkakaganito...

happy birthday, C!

3 comments:

Alice Ultra said...

wow :) eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ..

pinkballerina said...

nakakaiyak naman yang post mo about C. dama kita teh. parang ang sarap i-MMK ng kwento mo.

sana someday magkaroon ulit kayo ng chance ni C na magkapaliwanagan. o chance na maging kayo ulit. kung wala na talaga, sana may mameet kang person who'll make you forget C. yung tao na di ka na hahayaang maghintay, umasa , at masaktan.

ang drama ko. pareho lang kasi tayo. may isang tao akong matagal ng hinihintay. pero parang kahit anong gawin ko, wala na talaga. nakamove on na siya. masaya na siya sa buhay na di ako kasama. :(

rocelyn said...

si Kuya "C" pa rin talaga. I still remember all the entries you made, ate noreen, in OD, way back 11 years ago. hahaha! =) Ayoko ng mag-wish ng something for ur luvlyf kasi gnagawa ko naman un every time na mag comment ako sa mga entries nu.

Ngaun, e-uplift nlng natin to fate. :)

Basta, ate noreen, I wish the best for u!

Nakita ko po pla name nu sa Idol as one of the writers. Napatili lng ako and told my family na kilala kita *online*. hehehe! =)

Keep going! Mwahugs!