Saturday, October 12, 2013

Almost a Closure

I'm a writer.  Kapag naging bahagi ka ng buhay ko, everything you say or do can be written in my script... Or in my book.

Nasa libro ko si C. Mga tatlong beses ko ata siyang nabanggit. Siya ang Chocolate Pudding Flavor sa Kuwentong Jelly Beans. Siya iyong first love sa First Time. At siya si Air in my Lungs.

Pinasalamatan ko din siya. Hindi ko pinangalanan pero sinabi kong sa lalaking laman ng diary ko buong high school. Eh sino pa ba naman iyun?

When my book came out a month ago, Ilai wanted to send it to C. Sabi ko huwag na, malalaman din naman niya yun. Either bibili siya ng libro, or may magpapabasa sa kanya na mga common friends namin.

But just last week, I felt courageous... and spontaneous. My friend Ga, who is C's neighbor, ordered 10 books from me. So I did an outrageous  thing -- sinabay ko ang para kay C. With special dedication.

Thank you for the inspiration. Thank you for being part of this book. And part of my life. Haha 

PS You are "Page 59"

It felt good doing that. Ganoon yata kapag tumatanda na... Nagiging malakas ang loob. Nawawala ang hiya. Ten years ago, I can't imagine myself doing that.

Minsan lang ako nag-attempt. Siguro mga eight years ago. I sent him a lengthy email. Sinabi ko lahat ng gusto ko sabihin. Iyong pag-amin ko sa kanya na I've been in love with him since I was 14. Sabi ko now that I let it all out, I can move on. Ang kaso, nag-bounce yung email. So hindi niya nabasa! Napurnadang closure.

Kaya last week, ginawa ko ulit. Pang closure, sabi ko. I know he will be dedma again, like what he has been doing the past 20 years. Enough na sa akin na mabigay ko sa kanya ang book at masabing andoon siya. Siya ang dahilan kung bakit ako naging writer.

But no.. he wasn't dedma this time. He keeps on liking my posts on FB. And my friends' posts on FB about me and my book. And he sent me a message! At nag-chat na kami sa FB!

Nakakatawa. Wala daw siya sa bahay when the book arrived. And the first one to read the book was his Mom!!! Naaliw daw Mama niya. Pati siya, natuwa. He read page 59. Nagustuhan niya. He said I'm an excellent writer. Medyo harsh lang daw ako. Pero totoo naman daw. At kung anu ano pa sinabi. Kesyo nahiya siya sa mga ginawa niya noong high school. Pero noon pa daw, magaling na daw talaga ako magsulat. Ituloy ko lang daw. Chorva chorva.

A few years ago, ni hindi ako makalapit sa kanya na hindi nako-conscious. It's been years since he added me on FB but I never "liked" or commented on his post, never greeted him happy birthday on his wall. When it comes to him, shy ako. Dalagang Pilipina.

But after this, since he started liking my FB posts, since we can chat anytime on FB, nawawala na inhibitions ko. I am liking and sharing his post. We chat whenever he is online.

Iba na...

Maybe because now I can look at him as one of the many friends I have in FB... I see him as an old classmate. A guy from my past. Not a potential romantic partner. Hindi ko na naiimagine na kinakasal sa kanya. Hindi ko na iniisip na meant to be kami.

Baka ito na yung closure. Almost.










1 comment:

Ilai said...

Wow...so we can now breathe easy and forget our pledges for your wedding?? Hihihi! Wala na nga kayo gagastusin dun, if ever, kasi all of us have pledged something at one time or another basta ba kayo lang magkatuluyan. HAHAHAHA!